He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
