4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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