My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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