Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
