gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
