allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
