seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
