im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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