thus making me awesome and them whores
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
