I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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