Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
