i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
