He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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