If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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