I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
