I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
