does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
