So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize