We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
