I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she told me i tasted like america
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
