Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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