Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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