tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
