so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
