ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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