bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
