I wish I only lived at night.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
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she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
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We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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