we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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