Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
