Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship