Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?