Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
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He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
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I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.