I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
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You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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