If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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