i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
