the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
