I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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