wakey wakey hands off snakey
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
