no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
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Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
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Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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