You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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