can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
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whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
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What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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