I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
