I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
