You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
