Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
