I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
