You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
