We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
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Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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