Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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