I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
