i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
