a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I am one with the molecules
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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