I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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