the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
