the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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