What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
