Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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