I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
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Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
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I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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