I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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