I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
