his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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